If You're Gone Page 2

  “You worry about me too much,” he laughed and took his eyes off the road for a moment to glance at me.

  That’s because I care so much about you, I wanted to say, although ‘care’ wasn't a strong enough word. But I held my tongue and grinned at him. I wondered if he knew what I was thinking.

  He parked Dad’s car in its usual spot, beneath a tall evergreen tree in our driveway. 9:58 pm blinked on the clock as he turned off the humming engine. Brad opened my door for me and we walked hand in hand up the sidewalk to the front door. The house was dark except for the small porch light that had attracted dozens of tiny, white moths. Open fields filled with fireflies enveloped the brick ranch home-our own little piece of paradise, as my mother had referred to it since I was young.

  “I had a great time with you tonight,” Brad said as we climbed the steps.

  “Me too.” I ran my fingers up his forearm. “Will you text me and tell me you got home okay?”

  He smiled. “My phone’s dead. But don’t worry. I’ll look twice before I cross the street.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” I rolled my eyes.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at seven for the movies, okay?”

  “Sounds great,” I said. “I’ll even let you decide what we see.”

  “Don’t tease me,” Brad said with a laugh, jabbing at my hip bone. We shared a love for movies in every genre, but he always let me have the final say in film selection.

  “I mean it! There are several romantic comedies you can choose between.”

  “You’re lucky you’re so cute.” He grinned. “I’ll get the truck cleaned up in the morning. Thanks for the perfect night.”

  There was that word again. “My pleasure.”

  He pulled me towards him and we shared a quick goodnight kiss; it was simple with closed lips in case a family member peered through the peephole.

  “Lillian?” Brad said as his lips left mine, still holding my face in his hands.

  “Yeah?” I whispered. I held my breath, hoping this moment might be the one I had been longing for.

  He opened his mouth to speak but then shook his head. “Never mind.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Never been better.” He smiled before planting a wet smack on my cheek. “Good night.”

  I slipped my key into the lock and waved to him as he descended the steps.

  “Good night!” I called out, grinning. I realized it didn’t matter he hadn’t said the words. They were written all over his face.

  Inside the entryway, I eased the door shut behind me, using care to click the latch quietly into place. To my right was the living room, where I had expected to see my parents; Mom’s face in a book nestled under the reading lamp, worn out from a long day on her feet at the department store where she worked, while Dad came in and out of sleep in front of the television, still dressed in his business shirt and tie. But, like the foyer, it was dark. It seemed that Brad’s graduation night came with a special privilege-not being nagged about what we did and where we ate and who was there. The usual grilling.

  I felt my way down the hall to my bedroom, letting my fingers drag the chair rail as I took long, light-footed strides. I passed the closed doors that led into my little brother and sister’s rooms. Silence. Ages ten and eight, Graham and Eliza had likely been asleep for hours. Light from the television danced under my parents’ door but there were no sounds of movement inside. It was eerily quiet, a rare instance in the White household.

  Behind my bedroom door, I took a deep breath as I retrieved the oversized t-shirt that Brad had given me weeks ago. Even though I had worn it every night it still smelled like him-sexy with a hint of citrus. His ring felt cool against my chest as I changed.

  I turned off the light and rushed across the cool wood floor, pulling the chain on my bedside lamp as I scurried under the comforter. Once I was nestled beneath the covers I reached for the paperback novel on my nightstand and flipped it open to a dog-eared page, but it was impossible to focus on the words in front of me. I didn’t need to read a fictional boy-meets-girl story when Brad’s goodbye kiss was lingering on my lips. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine him next to me, but just as I began to picture his blue eyes a tree branch snapped outside my window.

  The little hairs on my arm stood up as I remembered the odd silence in the house, the dark rooms showing no signs of life. Crack. There it was again. My toes curled under the covers. I returned the book to my nightstand and waited, holding my breath as I listened. My oversized window faced the backside of an overgrown pine tree in the front of our house. For the past several years my Dad had planned hire professionals to trim the monstrous tree, but for now it remained a thick, bushy giant that towered above my bedroom in our one story home. I usually didn’t mind, it still let in light between its branches and made a nice curtain. But tonight the limbs of the tree seemed to reach around my room like thick fingers in the darkness.

  Crack. Another sound from outside pierced through the silence, interrupting my thoughts.

  “Lillian?” A muffled voice called out my name.

  Had I imagined it? I tossed the blanket from my legs, gnawing on my lower lip as I moved towards the window. Grabbing the bottom of the sill, I gritted my teeth as I thrust upwards to open the pane. A cool breeze hit my face and I backed away, squinting while I peered into the darkness. The sound of the crickets filled my room and echoed off the classic movie posters on the walls.

  “Lillian?” The voice was clearer this time.

  “Hello?” My eyes darted between the tree branches.

  “Boo!” Brad exclaimed as he jumped from the ground. I let out a shrill squeal.

  “Shh! Someone will hear you,” he whispered, placing a finger against his lips.

  “You scared me to death,” I said, an unavoidable smile growing on my face. “What are you doing back here?”

  “I’m sorry. I need to tell you something. It’s important.” He leaned in towards the window and reached for my hand as I knelt on the floor to be on his level.

  “Brad, what is it?”

  “You don’t have to say anything.” His blue eyes caught the light from my bedroom, shining like piercing stars in the darkness. “But I need you to know.”

  My chest became heavy as if all of my breath was leaving my body. This was it. The moment I had been hoping for since his lips first met mine six months earlier.

  “Lillian… I love you.”

  The declaration hung in the evening air like lyrics to a beautiful song. I could never have imagined that hearing the words coming from his mouth would sound so natural, so right.

  “I love you,” he said again, this time less nervous but just as sincere. “So much. Good night!”

  As he turned away I realized I hadn’t answered him. I had been too busy staring into his eyes.

  “Brad! Wait!” I shouted in a voice only slightly louder than a whisper. He rushed back to the window as the words flew off my tongue. “I love you, too!”

  We leaned toward each other and our lips met. Somehow, the kiss was different from the hundreds we had shared before. It was more official. More permanent. When we broke apart he stroked my cheeks with his hands, holding my face close to his.

  “I’ll see you soon, Lil. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I echoed. “Good night.”

  Brad pulled away from our embrace and smiled, offering a quick wink before turning to leave. Sitting on my knees and hugging the window frame, I watched as he disappeared into the darkness. He was gone.

  The First Forty-Eight

  I met Anna in the driveway, holding two ceramic mugs brimming with fresh coffee and motioned her to the back deck. She looked glamorous as always, even in an oversized tank top and cut-offs, like a movie star caught by the lens of paparazzi.

  “So, how was your date?” Anna asked with a wide yawn as she accepted the coffee from my outstretched hand. She nestled into the green paisley cushion draped across a wrought-iron bench
on the deck. A handful of small birds fluttered overhead, darting at each other as they passed.

  “It was great. Really great...” I sighed, letting my body melt into the chair beside her as I fiddled with the ring around my neck.

  “Oh my gosh, don’t tell me. Did you…” Her eyes grew wide.

  “Shh! No!” I glanced back towards the kitchen window to make sure Graham and Eliza weren’t eavesdropping through the screen. “But he told me he loved me.”

  Anna nearly dropped her coffee onto the side table, quickly swallowing the hot liquid that remained in her mouth.

  “Shut up! What did you say? Do you tell him you love him?”

  I smiled as I nodded. “Yes! I just said ‘I love you too’. It was kind of magical.”

  “I mean, I knew you were crushing hard, but love? No wonder you woke me up at the butt-crack of dawn. I’ve been trying to get Thomas to drop the L-bomb for like months. Even though I'm pretty sure the guys on the basketball team are trying to convince him he’s whipped,” she laughed. “I’m so sorry for doubting that you had huge news!” Anna reached for her coffee, her face frozen in a bewildered grin.

  I glanced at my hands as I wrung them in my lap, my smile fading. “That’s not really what I called you for, though.”

  “Don't tell me, did you get engaged, too?” she asked with a giggle.

  “No. Nothing like that.”

  “Okay, okay.” She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry. Go ahead.”

  “Mrs. Lee called and told me Brad didn’t come home last night,” I told her. “She doesn't know where he is.”

  “And he wasn’t with you?”

  I shook my head.

  “Well, where could he be?”

  I let my head fall back into the chair as I let out a groan. “I have no idea. That’s the whole problem. I’ve called him like twenty times.”

  “Maybe he went to Jason’s party and just ended up crashing there.” Anna sipped her coffee, pursing her lips as she swallowed.

  “Anything is possible, I suppose,” I agreed. “But Brad never goes to parties anymore. Let alone crash somewhere. It doesn’t sound like something he'd do.”

  “You’re right.” Anna took a deep breath. “But, just thinking out loud… is there a chance that he had planned to go out and didn’t tell you?” She turned her head away from me as she spoke and stared out into the yard.

  “No, why would he do that?” I asked defensively.

  “I’m just saying, Lillian,” she said with a shrug. “It’s not like you and Lizard are exactly friends, so maybe Brad wanted to go to the party with him but didn’t want you to be upset.”

  “Trust me, Brad doesn’t want to go anywhere with Lizard.”

  “Okay, so maybe he just wanted to go, but he knew you couldn't because of your curfew.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “He would have told me.”

  “Well, does he tell you everything?”

  He tells me he loves me.

  “Look, I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” she continued on in a nonchalant voice. “In this town, you can’t get far without someone seeing you. I’m sure he’s around and he has a perfectly good explanation.”

  “You're right,” I said, nodding as I remembered a detail from the night. “We’re going to the drive-in tonight at seven! Although I hope I won’t have to wait that long for answers…”

  A grin spread across Anna’s face and she let out a laugh.

  “What is so funny?”

  She continued to smile. “You do love him.”

  “Yes!” I exclaimed. “What, you didn’t believe me before?”

  ****

  Anna left to go bathing suit shopping with her mom and I hung on her words to ‘not worry’ for about thirty seconds. Of course I'm going to worry. My fingers dialed Brad’s number again and I listened to the single ring before the call was sent to voicemail. I couldn’t decide if I should be more concerned that he didn’t seem to be contacting anyone, or that he hadn’t contacted me.

  “Brad, it’s me again. Please call me,” I said after the beep. “Your parents are worried about you and so am I.” I lowered the phone to end the call before jerking it back towards my mouth. “I love you.”

  I tried not to panic. My mind raced with scenarios that kept Brad from both going home or returning calls, some positive, but mostly negative. I called and texted everyone I could think of who might know where to find him, but the answers were all the same. No one claimed to have seen him since the graduation ceremony. All I wanted was for the phone to buzz and to hear Brad’s voice on the other line, with a logical explanation for his disappearance

  I re-dialed Brad’s home number and Mrs. Lee and I spoke at length about where he might be and what we should do. She said Brad’s truck was still parked in their driveway and showed no signs of being moved since before the graduation ceremony, but we agreed it wasn’t unusual for him to make his way around our sleepy town on foot. She informed me Brad’s dad had called the hospital, the jail, and finally the police, all to no avail. Mr. Lee talked to a detective who encouraged them to be patient and wait for him to come home on his own.

  “Some kids have a little too much fun on graduation night,” he told him.

  We ended our conversation on the promise that we would call each other as soon as we heard from Brad, holding on to the hope he would arrive for our seven o’clock date as planned. I assured her that I'd continue to reach out to our classmates, and she promised to do the same. But there was one phone number I didn’t have, and it was for the one person I had to speak with.

  I drove my mom’s SUV into town, scanning every sidewalk and storefront for a glimpse of Brad as I passed until I came upon the weathered community bulletin board on High Street. Lost dog posters and advertisements for babysitters were tacked and taped onto the wooden board. Stuck in the center I saw a faded car repair ad scrawled in black permanent marker, right where I expected to find it.

  Lizard’s Car Repair. Call anytime.

  I punched the number into my cell phone and returned to the SUV as I hit send. One ring. Two rings. Just as the third ring began it was suddenly interrupted by an automated voicemail message.

  “The person you are trying to reach has a voice mailbox that has not been set up yet.”

  “So that’s how you’re going to play this, huh?” I said to myself, swiping the screen to end the call. I stared at the phone for a moment before opening a text message.

  I'm looking for Brad, can you tell me where he is? I typed. Send.

  Within moments, a new message appeared.

  Who wants 2know

  I gasped. This is Lillian. I need to find Brad ASAP. Please just answer me.

  I sent the message and waited anxiously, but after several minutes I had still not received a response.

  Please, Lizard. Do you know where he is?

  I waited again. Finally, my phone buzzed. I held my breath as I read the message.

  No. Why would I. How did U get this #

  I began typing another reply but stopped myself. What else was there to say? I let out a heavy sigh and ran my fingers through my unwashed hair. I knew it was the answer I had wanted, but now I was right back where I started. I turned the car key and sat in neutral, staring blankly at the handful of pedestrians that passed by on the sidewalk. He didn’t go to a party. He isn’t with Lizard. He isn’t with me. And he isn’t at home. Brad, where are you? As I pulled away from the curb, I prayed silently. Dear Lord, please let Brad be okay. Let us be okay.

  ****

  I drove around town for over an hour, checking in at the retro diner we loved, the hardware store where Brad worked, and several convenience stores where he often purchased a canned energy drink and a stick of beef jerky for an afternoon pick-me-up. I jumped every time my phone vibrated. He didn’t call. The Lees had insisted I call them by 7:15 pm if he didn’t show up for our date. I pictured them seated in their living room, eyes locked on the front door and one hand on the telepho
ne.

  In an attempt to shove all worries aside, I dressed for the evening, in a flowing pastel halter-top over dark-rinse jeans. I pinned my hair half back, letting my natural wave add volume to my otherwise mousy tresses. I applied an extra coat of mascara and dusted highlighting powder across my cheekbones, hoping to achieve a rested, youthful look even after a day of stress. But as I paced in front of the living room window, squeezing his class ring and praying for his truck to pull into my driveway, it was clear I was wasting precious time. He wasn’t coming. As the clock changed to 7:02 pm, any remaining hope was shattered. Brad was never late. I had been stood up. And something was very wrong.

  Mrs. Lee picked up on the first ring and sputtered an anxious “Hello!” into the phone.

  “He isn’t here.” My throat tightened, choking on the words.

  “Thank you, Lillian. We are calling the police again now.” She hung up without a goodbye. We both knew there was nothing that could be said.

  ****

  The rest of the night felt like a foggy dream. The Lees and I organized an impromptu search party and within the hour dozens of my classmates and members of the community gathered on my front lawn, equipped with flashlights and rain ponchos as a dreary drizzle fell from the summer sky. My dad printed off hundreds of posters at his real estate office and Mr. Lee handed them out in stacks under our carport, spouting off instructions to hang them on every storefront and telephone pole. A group of searchers split up at the edge of my yard, dragging their feet and crouching low, shining their lights through the grass as they headed down the street. It was as though they expected to find Brad in tiny pieces, scattered along the roadway.

  I made my way through the crowds of people on my lawn the same way I had at the graduation ceremony, only without Brad’s hand to guide me. He would never just leave me alone like this. A handful of passing classmates stopped to offer their condolences, an opportunity I took to further beg for information. But just as they had on the phone, none of the members of Brad’s graduating class claimed to have seen him at any parties the night before, which I found to be both disappointing and reassuring. It has to be true. He wouldn’t have lied to me. But if he didn't lie to me, where is he?