If You're Gone Read online

  Planting myself near the sidewalk, I took an inventory of the crowd. There were more people than I could count, mostly familiar faces from school and church, but some strangers. A brunette boy I didn’t recognize caught my eye and gave me a nod, which I returned before dropping my eyes to the ground. The tips of my ears burned, making me wonder if people were talking about me.

  I scanned the yard for my friends and found Tess and Mandy standing in the driveway speaking with Mrs. Lee. I had interrupted Anna and Thomas’s date with a phone call informing them that Brad was still missing and there would be a search. They were due to arrive within the hour. Amongst the groups of people on my lawn, there was no sign of law enforcement and almost more notably, no sign of Lizard.

  I unlocked my phone and scrolled through dozens of numbers in my recent outgoing call list until I came to his, quickly tapping send before I could change my mind.

  After two rings the electronic voice greeted me with the same message I had received earlier in the day. “The person you’ve called has a voice mailbox that has not been set up yet.”

  I hung up and touched send again. “Come on, just pick up.”

  “Stop calling me,” a gruff male voice came on the line.

  “Lizard?” Silence. “Lizard, wait!” I shouted before he hung up. “Everyone is looking for Brad. I need you to tell me if you’ve seen him or know where he might be.”

  “I already told you I ain’t seen him.”

  “Well, you could at least come over here and help us look for him. We're all worried…”

  “And why would I do that?” he snapped. “Sounds like you can't keep tabs on your man.” He let out a deep, cackling laugh.

  “This isn’t a joke, Michael.” I gritted my teeth, knowing he hated being called by his first name. “Brad’s missing. There’s a search party gathering on my front lawn…”

  “I’m tellin’ you one last time, I have no idea where he is.”

  “I swear,” I said. “If you know something you aren’t telling me…”

  “The only thing I’ve got to tell you is stop calling me. And you can tell Brad’s mommy and daddy to stop bugging me, too. This is harassment.”

  There was a click on the line. He was gone. Disregarding his demand, I sent the call again, but the phone went directly to the recorded message. I let out a tortured groan as I turned to see Anna rushing towards me with outstretched arms.

  “Lillian, are you okay?” She pulled me in for a hug and squeezed my shoulders. All I could do was shrug. “Let’s go find Brad. Come on, I'll drive.”

  ****

  A group of us piled into Anna’s blue compact car and rode in silence to the outskirts of downtown, where we planned to plaster posters on storefronts and search the alleys for any signs of Brad. I leaned my head against the passenger window as Anna drove; my eyes darted around the buildings we passed. Our usually peaceful little town seemed darker and quieter than ever, as if it were keeping a secret. I pictured Lions Port pulling Brad into the atmosphere and trapping him in another dimension from where he was watching us look for him, screaming my name to get my attention. This alternate reality theory was preferable to the actuality of what was happening.

  As the car crept along a side street my gaze fell to a thin alleyway, sandwiched between Meyer’s Deli and an empty building that once housed a children’s dance studio where Anna and I had taken ballet. The moonlight bounced off of the tall brick walls, casting giant shadows in the alley as long streaks of rain glimmered under the streetlights. In the darkness, I saw movement and my heart dropped from my chest.

  “Stop the car! Stop!” I shouted as I frantically fiddled with my seatbelt, feeling trapped beneath the straps.

  Anna jerked the wheel and pulled to a stop before she had a chance to speak.

  “It’s him. I saw him.” It took all of my breath to spit out the words.

  Trembling, I pushed my weight against the door and had my feet on the pavement as Anna threw down the gearshift to put the car in park. I darted across the sidewalk and into the dark alleyway, moving as fast as I could yet feeling like I was dragging my body through quicksand. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as I stumbled into the shadowy alley. I began anxiously searching the spaces behind empty dumpsters and abandoned pallets.

  “Brad!” I cried out, my voice cracking as I yelled. His name echoed into the night. “Brad? Are you there?”

  Frozen in place, I held my breath and prayed a frantic prayer. Please let him be here. Please Lord, let me hear him. Please let me see him.

  But there was no response from Brad, no sign of life, not even an alley cat. I was alone.

  “Brad,” I sputtered, clutching his ring. “Where are you?”

  I placed my hands on my knees as I caught my breath, letting my head hang. The cool rain dropped against my back while I panted. I heard footsteps rushing towards me and looked up, peering through ragged strands of hair that had fallen across my face. Anna and Thomas, followed by Mandy and Tess who were huddled together under a polka dot umbrella, stared at me with wide eyes as they approached.

  “Lillian, are you okay?” Anna clutched my shoulder, crouching to meet my eyes. “What did you see?”

  I imagined him.

  “It was nothing,” I whispered. I tried to stand tall, but I suddenly felt as though bricks were tied to my chest. A dull ache took over my entire body, beginning at the top of my skull and working its way to the tips of my pink toenails. My eyelids were heavy; I was exhausted. My face was wet but I couldn’t tell if it was from the rain or if I was crying.

  “I’m so sorry,” Anna shook her head as she spoke. She wrapped her arms around me in a hug and my knees went weak as I melted into her grasp.

  I felt Thomas’s arm come across my back as Tess held the umbrella over us. We stood there for several minutes, huddled together in the dark alleyway. When our group released the embrace, I straightened up and watched as a poster slipped from the stack in Anna’s hand and fell into a small puddle at my feet. I kept my eyes fixed on Brad’s face as the ink dissolved into the water, his silhouette disappearing from the paper. The bricks in my chest were weighing me down again. I wanted to collapse onto the ground. Even on paper, he was gone.

  A Kiss Can Change Your World

  Anna held my hand as I sauntered back to her car. With every step the atmosphere seemed to grow colder and thinner; I could smell the chill in the air. Thomas opened the passenger door and Anna helped me into the bucket seat. My knees were shaking as I sank into the cushions.

  “We should hang these posters up before we head back. Is that okay with you?” Anna spoke slowly and softly, as though I were a fragile child.

  “Of course that’s okay.”

  “One of us should stay here with her,” Tess told them under her breath.

  “I’m fine.” I shook my head. “I want to be alone.”

  “Okay, Lil, we will be right outside the car if you need us. Lock the doors.”

  Anna pushed the passenger door shut and stepped up onto the sidewalk with the others. She started handing out small stacks of Brad’s posters to the group but I had to turn away. I couldn't watch them plaster his face all over our town like he was some kind of wanted felon. I held back tears as I wrapped my arms around myself, overcome with a chill from the night air. The cold reminded me of Brad. It reminded me of love and how my life had changed forever on an unsuspecting snowy day, six months before. As I nestled into the seat, I closed my eyes and remembered that day like it was a movie playing out in my head.

  ****

  It was late November, and the snow from the night before lay thick on the grass and road in front of me. A snow day with Anna had come to an end, and I headed home as her mother and stepfather sat down for dinner. We knew school would inevitably be canceled the following day, for the sky had opened up again and quarter-size flakes were falling. I was bundled in my thick brown winter jacket and topped off with a purple and blue striped scarf and hat set my grandmoth
er had knitted for me a few winters back. I fiddled around in my jacket pocket for my gloves, but could only recover one.

  Nestling my left hand deep into my coat, I picked up my pace as I trudged down the street. My breath wasn't visible in the crisp air; the snowfall was too thick. Flakes clung to my eyelashes, and I batted my eyes to see through the falling white. My socks were wet inside my boots from traipsing through the dense snow, and my toes were tingling. When I saw my house in the distance I broke into a sprint across my front lawn. I was only a few paces from the front porch when my foot caught a snow-covered root, sending my body crashing to the ground. I let out a cry that was muffled by my face hitting a hard bank of snow.

  I held still, partially frozen and partially stunned. Spitting snow from my mouth, I tried to stand, but my right ankle sent sharp pains up my leg. I lowered myself back down and held in tears I was sure would freeze the moment they left their sockets. With a look to the dark, empty house I knew I'd receive no help from my parents. They had taken Graham and Eliza on a weekend trip and weren't able to return home in the storm. I reached into the pocket of my snow pants for my key, but it was empty. Panicking, I felt around in the powder where I sat, knowing the key must have slipped out when I fell. A warm tear slid down my face as the snow fell harder and a gust of wind whipped the flakes across my skin.

  Suddenly, I heard a crunch behind me and craned my neck to see a dark figure tramping through the yard in my direction.

  “Hello!” I cried out, both frightened and relieved.

  “Lillian?” a deep voice said, sending a shiver down my back.

  Before I could say anything, a hand firmly grasped my arm. I grew frightened and tried to pull away as I imagined whom the voice might belong to. I tried to peer through the falling snow at the person beside me, but snowflakes blew into my eyes. I raised my gloved hand and brushed the wet hair away from my face. When I recognized the figure that stood in front of me, I gasped.

  It was Brad, my middle school tormentor. His dirty blond locks fell in his eyes, glittered with flakes of snow. My throat dropped into my stomach and despite the cold, my face suddenly felt warm.

  “I saw you fall, what hurts?” he asked, his piercing blue eyes staring into mine.

  “I’m fine, I don’t need any help.” I kept my gaze locked with his, desperate to appear strong. I attempted to pull away from his grasp, remembering how he had treated me when we were younger. He laughed.

  “Lillian, you’re obviously hurt. Just let me help you inside.”

  He was persistent, and I was surprised by the kindness in his voice but didn’t want to give in. I thought back to when I had first met Brad. I was in fifth grade and my parents encouraged me to become friends with him when his family moved in down the street. He was cute and seemed more mature than other guys my age, so I didn’t argue. But much to my dismay, he denied my friendship and instead bullied and terrorized me on the playground, in the lunchroom, and in the hallways of the school. When I expressed my anger to my mother she had laughed, telling me he must have a crush on me. But before that theory was ever proven, Brad had lost interest in torturing me and moved on to harassing the entire neighborhood with his delinquent group of friends.

  Once we entered high school he had become what most girls considered a total hottie, with broad, muscular shoulders and a chiseled jaw that was accentuated by his long, tousled blond hair. But there was always a look in his deep, blue eyes I didn’t understand. Although we didn’t speak, I would catch him staring at me sometimes and always wondered if he was contemplating apologizing for making my middle school years a nightmare. To this day, no such apology had been made.

  “Lillian, come on.” His voice interrupted my thoughts. “It’s freezing.”

  “Just help me find my key, I dropped it,” I replied, shooting him the coldest look I could muster. I patted the snow around where I fell.

  “Lil, it’s gone. You won’t find that key until spring. I can get you in. Come on.” He wrapped one arm around my back and held the other on my hand. I looked into his eyes with intentions to resist, but I let myself give in. His embrace was unfamiliar, yet something told me to trust him.

  “Fine, thanks,” I mumbled, breaking away from his gaze.

  He lifted me from the snowy ground and helped me hobble to the house and up the three front porch steps. He propped me up against the brick wall as he dug through his pockets.

  “You okay?” He pulled a plastic card from his back pocket as he spoke.

  “I’m fine.” I leaned against the cold brick, keeping my ankle elevated.

  “All right. Wait here.”

  Brad fled down the steps, rushing through the banks of snow, and disappeared from view. I listened as I waited, considering that he may have brought me this far and ditched me. But suddenly the front door swung open and snow spilled onto the hardwood floors in the entryway.

  “Home at last!” Brad said with a smile, standing in the doorway. He motioned me inside and placed his arm around my waist for support as I took the step up into the foyer. He pressed the door closed against the wind and helped me into the house.

  “How did you get in?” I asked as I pointed towards the living room and let him help me to the couch.

  He sat me in the corner seat against a pillow before removing his jacket where he stood. “The back door was open.”

  I shook my head. “Liar.”

  “Okay, okay. You’re right,” he said as he knelt in front of me. He untied the boot on my sprained ankle as he spoke. “I’m sorry.”

  An apology! I listened as he continued, wincing in pain when he pulled the shoe from my swollen foot.

  “There’s always a loose window or a worn out lock.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “So you’ve progressed from playground bully to common criminal?”

  “Yeah, well, I wouldn't go that far,” he told me, grinning. “I know we did some pretty dumb stuff when we were kids. Me and Lizard and Jones... we broke into a few houses.” Before I could interrupt he continued. “But we never hurt anybody, and we never stole anything… well, not anything valuable. We would just throw little parties and eat people’s food if we knew they were out of town. Stuff like that. It’s stupid, I know. And it was a long time ago.”

  “Well, that’s interesting,” I replied with a sly grin, watching as he fiddled with my second boot.

  “Wasn’t it just last month that the Grant’s came home from vacation to find an empty fridge and a trashed kitchen?”

  Brad looked up at me, surprised. “You sure find it impossible to trust me, don’t you?” He didn’t wait for me to answer. “And yes, it happened. But Thomas Grant is a pompous jock anyway, so he deserved it.” My mouth dropped. “I’m kidding, Lil. I wasn’t there. Lizard and Jones still do their thing, but I don’t hang around them that much anymore. Since Lizard dropped out of school I really only see him if I’m working on my truck at his shop. Things have changed, you know.”

  “Yeah,” I said with a nod. “Things have changed.” I didn’t know what else to say. I realized I wanted to believe him, but that meant tearing down the walls between us I had spent over five years building up.

  “You don’t have to believe me,” Brad told me, as if he had read my mind. “I’ll prove it to you. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I will. You’ll see.”

  “So now what?” I asked, shrugging my shoulders. My walls started to crumble as I gave in to the smile that had been creeping up the sides of my mouth. After all, it wasn’t every day I was alone in my living room with the hottest guy in school-whether I agreed with that declaration or not.

  “Well… I’m looking for something new to occupy my time.” His eyes met mine and he smiled. “Something… or someone… to keep me out of trouble.”

  He held my gaze and my heart started to race faster and faster for every moment I didn’t look away. I didn’t know how I should feel. All I knew was that I felt something.

  ****

  Brad nursed my swollen ank
le and wrapped it in a towel bathed in ice as I rested atop a bed of pillows in front of the wood-burning fireplace he had effortlessly lit. He disappeared into the kitchen and I laughed at the thought of him raiding our neighbors’ refrigerators. Leaning back onto the leg of the couch, I stared into the glowing flames and became lost in my own thoughts. I compared sixth grade Brad to the guy he was now. The only similar feature was his blue eyes. I had once seen them as cold. But in that moment, the look in his eyes I could never understand suddenly seemed like it was meant for me.

  He returned from the kitchen carrying two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. A dozen mini marshmallows floated across the top of the cocoa as he handed it to me.

  “No marshmallows for you?” I asked.

  “Nah, I’m watching my figure,” he replied without so much as a grin as he sat down beside me.

  “This is perfect, Brad. Thank you.” Even from day one, it was perfect.

  “You’re just lucky your parents keep the cabinets stocked.” We laughed. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine. Maybe my ankle is just frozen from the ice wrap, but it doesn’t hurt anymore!” I smiled at him. “I was actually just remembering middle school…”

  He groaned. “Man, I’ve tried to block those years out. I was hoping everyone else had done the same. I was such a jerk!”

  “You tormented me,” I said with a nod. “Every day. I used to lie awake at night thinking up excuses not to go to school the next day!”

  Brad put his hands over his eyes, shaking his head as he groaned. “I wish I could kill whoever taught me to ‘snap’ a girls' bra strap.”

  “Yes! I should've reported you for harassment.”

  “Guilty as charged.” Brad held his wrists out in front of him, offering to be handcuffed. “Have them take me away.”

  “I’m being serious!” I said with a giggle.

  “So am I.”

  I slipped a hair tie off my wrist and positioned it in the middle of his back. “Let the punishment fit the crime.” With a sharp pop, I snapped the elastic against his spine and he let out a little yelp.